So I just woke up. I was having a dream, and I really needed to wake up from it. It wasn't a nightmare, but it did make me sad.
Ok, so I was...somewhere...and I was by myself, I think I was at a camp site or in the lot of a concert site or something, but there's available storage, or a car, not sure which. In my mind, it's one of my old bedrooms from my childhood, the blue one with all the sun. But it's pretty much just me, a chair and an umbrella, which I'm getting ready to set up on some rocks. I have a tent in this room, but as I tell the person who latches onto me, I'm not putting up the tent b/c my nieces and nephew and their mother used it for a camping trip and it's all wet and fishy inside. This person, a female, kind of a cross between "Mellie'/"November" from Dollhouse and the lesbian from my 8th grade year who kept trying to sleep with me. (Just for the record, EW.). I think this is one reason I'm not setting up the tent. I also mention that we're on top of gravelly rocks and I just want my chair.
All of a sudden, this vision kind of just goes away, and I'm at this super awesome cabin in the woods at a huge party. There are tons of people there, and I know most of them, but, in real life, I don' t recognize them. Like, I don't see Lauren and Jimmy, but I can feel Richard and Carlye. Sort of. I know these people have been my friends, but I'm not sure about now. I sense an ill feeling, like not everyone likes me. And I just want to go out for a cigarette. I think the weirdo from earlier is kind of there, I think, trying to get me to be alone with her--ish. I think I go out for a cigarette, which I don't remember, and go back in and people are talking about my "rival."
For some reason, I'm really craving another cigarette. I think it's chilly outside, so I'm looking for my black hoodie---which I haven't worn in years; it's my Stage Manager hoodie that I retired a few years ago--and I thought I had put it on the loveseat by the front door. I looked, not there. I looked around a bit and returned to the loveseat but there were people on it. I saw what looked like it, but didn't really pay attention.
I went back into another room to look and people were telling me my rival was there. Insanely curious, but really looking for my jacket so I could go smoke, I walk back into the front room, where the girl who plays "Mia," I think, on Days of Our Lives, is coming towards me with a big fake smile and a present. She smiles at me, holds up her present, says something, and keeps walking. (This is strange in real life b/c A. I don't have a rival, and 2. I don't watch Days a whole lot anymore, but I did see a scene with this girl, and she was carrying around a present.)
She continues on into the back of the house, but it seems the place is abuzz with the news that the "Rivals" are in the same place. "Rival" is the term from my dream, not the one I chose.
I continue my search for my jacket, but soon give it up, willing to freeze. I head toward the front door and it opens to reveal...Brian Jones.
(Brian Jones is the name of my second grade crush(which I just now remembered), and also the name of a very talented actor from UCO, and one boy I never had in my sights. He was already taken(by pure Evil) by the time I met him. Sure, he was cute, talented, smart, but I never thought of him in a lustful, gotta have you kind of way. I barely knew him.)
So. In walks UCO actor Brian Jones, and I think he's wearing a letterman-style coat. I can feel the material beneath my cheek when I hug him. Apparently he's my fiance. And he used to be "Mia's." I'm excited and grateful to see him. The paparazzi didn't follow him. He's a soap actor. H
He asks me what I'm doing. I want a cigarette and I'm looking for my jacket. I drag him all over the cabin to find it, again. I think I see it under someone's butt on the loveseat and try to pull it from under them, but I give up, thinking it's not my jacket. I say, "I give up. I'll just freeze." So Brian and I go outside on the porch where we're mostly alone. That's when I notice I'm wearing my ugly winter coat. I chastise Brian for not telling me that I was already wearing one. But I didn't have it on inside. And it's warm enough outside not to be wearing one, so I shed it and leave it on the porch before I lean my cheek against his chest. My hand goes up to feel his neck, his cheek, his hair. I can't remember if I say it first, or he does, but one of us says, "I love you." The other says it back.
I feel surprised to hear the words. I think I said it first. "I love you." And he says, "I love you, too." And he means it. Experimentally, I say it again, with more feeling, and cuddling into him. He says it back again. I can feel his love. We just stand there with our arms around each other, and then I wake up.
I made myself wake up. I was too disturbed by this. I have never said these words to a person and really meant it. Actually, I've only said these words, for this kind of love, once, in a refurbished barn, to someone who didn't deserve it or say it back. But I've never said it to someone and them said it back, him knowing every bit of me and still saying it. But I felt it when he said it back. And in that moment, I was incredibly happy, and fulfilled. For that second. Until I woke up, incredibly confused as to why I was dreaming about a boy I didn't even really know, haven't thought about in a long time.
I'm sure this is all fraught with meaning, but it doesn't matter. Humans have a basic need for love. I want it, sure, but I'm not going to get it. Logically speaking, it's ok. I've already come to terms with what I'm not going to have. Mostly because I don't want it. I don't want anyone to know me that well again. No, I don't want to get hurt again, so there's a wall between me and everyone else. It's safer for me to do this, easier to keep everyone at arm's length, because I know that the only person who I could love that wholly and could love me back like that doesn't exist. There isn't a man alive who could put up with/deal with/be with me. And that's ok. It doesn't keep me from wanting all that, but once I realized that isn't going to happen, and that's not going to be what fulfills me, that I have another plan, another purpose on this earth, it's fine.
Yes, it's lonely. Yes, I would love to cuddle on the couch watching a movie on a cold night, or spend a whole rainy Sunday in bed, but that isn't my destiny. I don't have big dreams, or aspirations. I just do what I can, what I have to to survive and keep myself busy. I've cut a lot of people out of my inner circle...right now, I have two straight females in that inner circle, a gay man, and two other straight girls in the next circle, a couple of couples in the next and the one after is where I put the one straight boy I talked to. Everyone else is just about inconsequential. They fall where they fall. I keep them away b/c my friendship is inconsequential. They live their lives, and I'm a fringe friend. I've been like this since I was a kid.
So, it's nothing new.
