Don' t Look

First of all, before I get started, fuck Wikipedia.


Secondly, why do I ALWAYS want what I'm not willing to ask for? What I know I can' t have, don't deserve? Shouldn't ever have?

And why do I want it so bad? Well, I guess I know the answer to that question...but WHY does it have to happen the exact same way everytime?

I hate feeling heartsick over something I can't change. I am who I am, I look like what I do...On the outside of me, it's not that bad, but having all of the knowledge that I possess on this particular subject....it's not enough. I am not enough. Not for anyone else. And that sucks. Because it used to be ok. Now it's not.

It actually hurts...like it did with Derek...only now, it's torture b/c I don't have the choice to run away. I just have to see it, live it, every day.

I know it's more trouble than it's worth, but I don't have any sort of intimate relationship with anyone...Not sex, intimacy, inner knowledge shared with another.

Birthday Hugs are one thing....This is on a different level.

I don't like showing weakness, but that's what I do.


PS On the other side, I keep thinking about the hot bathroom sex I had about 5 or 6 years ago....wish it would have ended differently, or not happened so I could remember it. And weird turtle sex...You don't even understand what is being done to me.