A moment of Zen...or someone is getting Hate Crimed.

I am irate. But I am not showing it. I am being calm.

I am being downright Zen.

But I am pissed.

And Miss Mary is fluttering about, like there is absolutely nothing wrong.

Well, let me tell you
1) Telling people what is wrong with them in a list form via text message is INCORRECT. 2) Especially when you claim to be FRIENDS with them. 3.) You're a fucking douche.

Seriously, out of all the people that know me, not many KNOW me, and not many LIKE me.

And guess how much I care?

Not much. Or else I would be crying for Annie's forgiveness for saying something stupid. I'm sorry you don't like the truth, sweetie, but regardless of the fact that it's FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, I lived through it, so I can call it like I see it. For instance, I am the Original Gangsta Fag Hag(who is on Fag Sabbatical) and I can call a Fag a Fag. See what I mean?

Anyway, I may be looking for a new job....I can't work under the current gay administration, if you get me...

Don' t Look

First of all, before I get started, fuck Wikipedia.


Secondly, why do I ALWAYS want what I'm not willing to ask for? What I know I can' t have, don't deserve? Shouldn't ever have?

And why do I want it so bad? Well, I guess I know the answer to that question...but WHY does it have to happen the exact same way everytime?

I hate feeling heartsick over something I can't change. I am who I am, I look like what I do...On the outside of me, it's not that bad, but having all of the knowledge that I possess on this particular subject....it's not enough. I am not enough. Not for anyone else. And that sucks. Because it used to be ok. Now it's not.

It actually hurts...like it did with Derek...only now, it's torture b/c I don't have the choice to run away. I just have to see it, live it, every day.

I know it's more trouble than it's worth, but I don't have any sort of intimate relationship with anyone...Not sex, intimacy, inner knowledge shared with another.

Birthday Hugs are one thing....This is on a different level.

I don't like showing weakness, but that's what I do.


PS On the other side, I keep thinking about the hot bathroom sex I had about 5 or 6 years ago....wish it would have ended differently, or not happened so I could remember it. And weird turtle sex...You don't even understand what is being done to me.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

This is a day I never thought I would see. Very much like the O.J. Simpson white Bronco situation, I am glued to watching the hearse carrying Michael Jackson's body to the Staples Center.

When Elvis died, it was major.

When Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed, it was major.

When Kurt Cobain took his own life, it was major.

Michael Jackson died, under slightly suspicious circumstances. That is major.

The King of Pop is dead. And it's possible his death could have been avoided. That is a tragedy.

There are some people wondering why I am so upset about this death. Well, 99% of the entire world is upset; this man made a huge impact on my young life, without me evening knowing it. That's one reason. Another is...It's a death. It's another funeral. If you had gone through as much death and been to as many funerals as I have in the past 5 years, you would understand completely.

I don't think I'm a Death Hag, necessarily. I think that I am inches away from Death at any moment of any day, so the Reaper and I are very close.

This is a loss EVERYONE feels. Dancers, singers, actors, black folk, white folk, London Town, Asians, Koreans, Canadians...EVERYONE is feeling, and celebrating and hurting.

How is it possible that we now live in a world without Michael Jackson? When he's been a fixture in our lives and in our hearts for forty years? Now, all of a sudden, he's gone.

How do you even reconcile that?