A moment of Zen...or someone is getting Hate Crimed.

I am irate. But I am not showing it. I am being calm.

I am being downright Zen.

But I am pissed.

And Miss Mary is fluttering about, like there is absolutely nothing wrong.

Well, let me tell you
1) Telling people what is wrong with them in a list form via text message is INCORRECT. 2) Especially when you claim to be FRIENDS with them. 3.) You're a fucking douche.

Seriously, out of all the people that know me, not many KNOW me, and not many LIKE me.

And guess how much I care?

Not much. Or else I would be crying for Annie's forgiveness for saying something stupid. I'm sorry you don't like the truth, sweetie, but regardless of the fact that it's FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, I lived through it, so I can call it like I see it. For instance, I am the Original Gangsta Fag Hag(who is on Fag Sabbatical) and I can call a Fag a Fag. See what I mean?

Anyway, I may be looking for a new job....I can't work under the current gay administration, if you get me...

Don' t Look

First of all, before I get started, fuck Wikipedia.


Secondly, why do I ALWAYS want what I'm not willing to ask for? What I know I can' t have, don't deserve? Shouldn't ever have?

And why do I want it so bad? Well, I guess I know the answer to that question...but WHY does it have to happen the exact same way everytime?

I hate feeling heartsick over something I can't change. I am who I am, I look like what I do...On the outside of me, it's not that bad, but having all of the knowledge that I possess on this particular subject....it's not enough. I am not enough. Not for anyone else. And that sucks. Because it used to be ok. Now it's not.

It actually hurts...like it did with Derek...only now, it's torture b/c I don't have the choice to run away. I just have to see it, live it, every day.

I know it's more trouble than it's worth, but I don't have any sort of intimate relationship with anyone...Not sex, intimacy, inner knowledge shared with another.

Birthday Hugs are one thing....This is on a different level.

I don't like showing weakness, but that's what I do.


PS On the other side, I keep thinking about the hot bathroom sex I had about 5 or 6 years ago....wish it would have ended differently, or not happened so I could remember it. And weird turtle sex...You don't even understand what is being done to me.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

This is a day I never thought I would see. Very much like the O.J. Simpson white Bronco situation, I am glued to watching the hearse carrying Michael Jackson's body to the Staples Center.

When Elvis died, it was major.

When Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed, it was major.

When Kurt Cobain took his own life, it was major.

Michael Jackson died, under slightly suspicious circumstances. That is major.

The King of Pop is dead. And it's possible his death could have been avoided. That is a tragedy.

There are some people wondering why I am so upset about this death. Well, 99% of the entire world is upset; this man made a huge impact on my young life, without me evening knowing it. That's one reason. Another is...It's a death. It's another funeral. If you had gone through as much death and been to as many funerals as I have in the past 5 years, you would understand completely.

I don't think I'm a Death Hag, necessarily. I think that I am inches away from Death at any moment of any day, so the Reaper and I are very close.

This is a loss EVERYONE feels. Dancers, singers, actors, black folk, white folk, London Town, Asians, Koreans, Canadians...EVERYONE is feeling, and celebrating and hurting.

How is it possible that we now live in a world without Michael Jackson? When he's been a fixture in our lives and in our hearts for forty years? Now, all of a sudden, he's gone.

How do you even reconcile that?

High School Musical

When Kurt Cobain killed himself in April of 1994, I had found out that morning on the bus, and then later that morning, in Junior Honors English, I made a really crass joke about it to my best friend Crystal, who had been sitting behind me. We didn't know anything about Grunge--she listened to country and I loved NKOTB. I didn't know anything about the guy, just assumed it was some sort of drugged up rock star who couldn't take it.

I was incredibly wrong. It was only within the last 10-13 years that I really started to respect the man, and understand his music and what he was going through. When I was 16, I had no idea. It wasn't until college that I started to gravitate towards him. And then after I started hanging out with Derek, I really started learning more and more about KC and his music.

Now, Nirvana is one of my favorite bands, and Kurt Cobain in the Top 5 Artists of All Time in my book.


Thursday, June 25, 2009, saw the ending of an era. Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, died of Cardiac Arrest in California.

Michael Jackson.

"Billie Jean." "Beat It." "Bad." "Dangerous." "Thriller."

That Michael Jackson.

TMZ was the first to drop the news on their website, and Tinisha was probably the second person in the land to know. She passed the news onto me, and I onto the work folks, and so on.

I'm very good at telling bad news. However, I texted Rory and Turner. It was a hasty text that didn't necessarily sound believeable.

But it was true.

And, according to recent reports, Michael Jackson died of an accidental overdose of the painkiller Demerol. Which, to me, sounds like the doctor is at fault. He has already lawyered up. He knows he's in trouble. He killed the King of Pop. Too bad Johnnie Cochran isn't around to help him out....

So, since the story broke around 5pm on Thursday, the radio stations and music television stations have been playing the music, and the Behind the Music-style shows for just such a purpose. We've been able to see and hear his progression from childhood to adulthood. Chronologically speaking, anyway.

You see how the person himself, changes, and the music, as time goes on. It's amazing and breathtaking, and even though apparently Invincible was the music world's Ishtar, musically, he could do no wrong.

He invented the Moonwalk, he invented and patented special shoes and new technologies for his video movies....he helped put Africa in the spotlight, and helped to feed hungry people. He may have started the Green movement, some argue.

Others are calling this mourning situation hypocritcal, because his music hasn't been played this much in a while, and he hasn't had a huge call for publicity; i.e. no one is talking about him.

First off, people are ALWAYS talking about Michael Jackson. He is the UNDISPUTED King of Pop. Recognize.

Secondly, just because YOU aren't hearing about him in YOUR OWN TINY LITTLE WORLD, that doesn't mean, other parts of the world aren't celebrating him.
He was just about to hit an upswing, with a bunch of London concert dates that would earn him at least $40 million. Or was it billlion? I forget. Either way, it would have helped him tremendously, in getting him back to the top.

It's unfortunate that his death has had to do that. The top ten albums on just about any downloading site are Michael Jackson. His album sales are THROUGH THE ROOF.
And even if those babies aren't biologically his, they will be taken care of.

I do believe that Neverland should be turned into a museum like Graceland. It only makes sense. Seriously. But I do like Dap's idea that we should all chip in and buy it.

Ok, so Michael Jackson was never on my list as one of my favorite artists.

Now, before I get shot, let me explain this statement.

As Kurt Cobain before him, I didn't actively listen to his music. I didn't really have money for to buy all the music in the land that I wanted, and I still don't. I get most of my music from the radio. So I don't get to hear the entire Thriller or Bad album, only bits and pieces here and there.

But since all of the tributes have started(BET being the latest, with their awards show) I've been getting a greater sense, a greater feel. I thought Tinisha was going to kill me because I'd never seen Moonwalker or heard all of "Dirty Diana." And no, I haven't seen The Wiz, either.
But I understand why everyone is grieving, and mourning and celebrating and playing his music.

So I have to say....If you don't care/like the music/are tired of it, I don't actually care. I HOPE the radio stations keep playing the music, I HOPE that MTV actually continues to play the videos, any videos, really. And as I said, on my Facebook post the other day,

Don't stop until you get enough. Grieve and mourn and celebrate in your own way, in your own time. I know death, and while this isn't an immediate family member, he is still family. And no amount of horrible jokes about pedophilia are going to dim what the man was: A Consummate performer who cared deeply about other people. He was The Perfomer.

To the haters: Think what you want. You're in the minority. Just don't push it in my face.

To the rest: Send good thoughts and vibes out into the universe. He'll get them.
He may be busy getting a show together in the Ether world, with Jerry and Jimi and whoever...but damn, aren't those some lucky fans?

Life is what you make of it

Well, guess what? I'm not making lemonade....

When it rains, it pours.

So I'm getting my hours cut at work.

Obviously that means less money.

Less chance of me being able to move out of the ghetto anytime soon.

More chance of me going absolutely nuts. 

I really, really, really hate money. I hate that I have to have it, for every little thing. It DOES make the world go 'round when you have absolutely nothing else to spin your world.

So I am about to be screwed. The new shoes, the new underclothes that I was going to buy b/c I don't have any that aren't falling apart....well, that's out. It's strictly Rent, Electric, Phone, Gas & Food. There are no entertainment options. I barely get by with the gas and food. And I have two loans that I need to be paying off, but am totally unable to do.

I just don't see me getting another job. An additional one. I don't see me getting a "better" job, either. I think the job that I have is just fine. There's talk of promotion, but not until business gets better, or sold.

So there's no way to go up right now. Just in pay, and that's only twice a year. Ha. I say "only," but it took me four years at Panera to get to just over $9. I had to start over at C & B, but I made it to $10 in less than a year. Sure, there's a cap, but damn, just give me some hours and keep me in the double digits!

Yes, when it rains it pours. I'm working on my book. Had to start a complete chapter overhaul last night. I'm supposed to try to be done by September. I really don't think this is going to happen.

Oh, why isn't there someone awesome and cool out there who I can either live with or rent from and still live my life but also have someone to come home to or some cheaper place to come home to? I'm jealous of Haque and Chris Curtis. Hell, I'm jealous of boys. Their lives are so simple. It's easy to make them happy.

Who am I kidding? I couldn't live with anyone. I'm the Worst Roommate Ever. I really am. I hold the title...proudly, I guess. As a result, I won't ever get cheap rent again. I can't live with friends, and I don't have a man to come home to who will treat me right and make me dinner and give me back rubs. It hurts me that I'm totally glad that I don't have a man to come home to. Sure, I get lonely, but I don't have to answer to anyone. I don't have to have dinner ready when he gets home, I can shower whenever I want, I can eat whenever, whatever. 

I have no one to impress. I don't have to work hard for anyone. I don't care anymore about that. I am quite content living the way I do. Clean apartment or no, I don't have anyone to answer to. I don't have any visitors to my apartment besides Rory and Jef, but who cares?

All of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

You told me I didn't need a man to be happy, that I could make myself happy.

Well, thanks. As a result of that, I have become way more selfish and self-involved. I was already that before, but now it's worse. "Spend time on YOU." I HAVE spent time on me. Thirty two years worth of time I have spent on myself. I know myself. I like myself(or I am at least resigned to those things I cannot change--oh, boy, starting to sound like the serenity prayer from AA). I am just fine with myself. It is everyone else that has a problem with me. Guess what? I don't care. I don't have to care about anyone's feelings but my own. People around me don't like that. "What? You mean you aren't going to spare my feelings? You're going to give me the truth?" Bitch, please. I don't have time to tap dance around your life, I have mine to get back to.

I would like to apologize for not seeing or speaking to most people I know. Like Jenny & Bryan & Sawyer...and Cris and Dri....Shannon....they know I love them, even if I don't talk to them on a daily basis, weekly, monthly....even if all I have is Facebook, or Twitter. I can show them that way. Just b/c I don't call, doesn't mean I don't love you or want to be anywhere around you....

It's just easier. I feel like I'm getting in the way, anyway. My path is different.

I probably should have listened when they read that Robert Frost poem at high school graduation. I probably wouldn't be in the fix I'm in today. 

Or maybe I would.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5   Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,         10   And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.         15   I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

My Big Talent

I have a Big Talent. I have a few smaller ones, but only one Big Talent. And I'm totally ashamed of it.

I have an incredibly vivid imagination. But it's incredibly boring. All I think of is sex. Well, romance novel type scenarios. All I can think of in any given day is one or two storylines in particular...music is a big inspiration, so anytime I hear a particular song, I can be sent into a trance. 

I can write smut. And well.

That's my talent. I have a filthy mind, so I'm trying to exploit it. It needs to be used for SOMETHING. Hopefully this is something for which I can get paid.

I am almost done with the fourth edit of my novel( I really hate calling it a novel, although that IS what it is.). It's slow going. As soon as this edit is done, I will print it again, and do a fifth edit, and try to answer all the questions I have and fix it as best I can. Then one or two people will get to read and edit for grammar, etc & content. Then I shall re-fix, and get a packet together to send to all the editors in the land.

The basis is something that is near to me. I can't say "near and dear" b/c it sho' ain't dear. Hello, worst moment of my life on paper...no, it's not all that dear. But it's a story that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I can't say "closure," b/c I don't think that closure actually occurred. Not that it matters. What the hell ever. I'm talking about my book.

I am horribly embarrassed about letting anyone read it who isn't a fan of romance novels. The RN fan would be a possible easy sell. They know the structure, and what's supposed to be happening in the book. I'm afraid of what others will say....see, if I can't write a book and let people read it, then what the hell is the point?

I haven't EVER let anyone read ANY of the smut I've written....I posted some of it on my myspace blog....got Jenny all interested in "Ian and Eliza" but abandoned them in favor of a new couple: "Chris and Julie."

They were supposed to have different names, but as they have been around for about a year, the names stuck. The characters became these people. I can't just up and change their names now.

So I have characters. Mostly really fleshed out characters b/c they are all based on SOMEONE...or five or six someones. There' s only one character who makes a brief appearance that I can't name or put any attributes to...He's basically Dr. Bristow, but I can't call the character "Don." I don't actually want the man to know that he's one of my characters....

I stated that wrong. The character I am thinking about is similar to Daddy B. But this character, just a one time director, is not the most important character. Plus, he is just one professor personality of many who is being used as a template for this character. 

I don't know who the character is.....

And you know, if that is my biggest problem right now with the book, then yay. 

Why am I worrying about him? He's a Red Shirt going on an away mission. He isn't the most important part. Julie and her stormy blue eyes are pretty important. Chris and his hot, liquid brown eyes are important. But The Director? Just one minor character who may, or may not ever return.

I need to set a deadline. September I do believe will be a year since I started writing the story. 

God, this story has taken so long to tell. I'm tired of it, and almost no longer care.

The Industrial Revolution

That title is misleading. This isn't about the actual Industrial Revolution....it's been way too long for me to remember anything about it, so I added a link just in case anyone wanted to refresh themselves.

I don't even think that "Industrial Revolution" is the proper terminology for what I'm thinking about. IR was just something that popped into my head.

I just wanted to talk about my relationships. My relationships with my technology and machines. NOT THOSE MACHINES. You filthy beast.  

I'm talking about the computer, the internet, the cell phone that allows me to Tweet at any moment of the day. 

When I'm at work, I'm constantly attached to the computer, doing one thing or another. Facebook, Myspace, Twitter. For work and for myself. Promoting the business, or talking about SOMETHING completely ridiculous. Like right now, I'm ringing someone up, waiting for their money, while I'm blogging this.

I get sucked into the computer's vortex, especially since I don't have the internet at home.

At home, I have the computer, and a tv, and an ipod and other stuff that makes life a little bit harder, while trying to add to it. It doesn't actually add, it totally detracts. 

A few months ago I installed The Sims Deluxe Edition on my computer. I was taking a break from writing my book--the subject matter was getting too intense for me--so I played The Sims, day and night for a month or two. I haven't slept a proper night since sometime in late March. I have completely effed up my back, b/c I don't have a proper desk or chair. I am in so much pain.

I can't go to bed until 4 or 5 am...sometimes due to The Sims and sometimes due to the fact that I just can't sleep.

So I'm smoking too much, sleeping not enough, sleeping too late, not eating properly, too much caffeine...

Dude. It sucks. I am not enjoying this.

This is a shift, a change, due to my work schedule changing. I work nights now, mostly. I haven't worked a morning in months. My whole life is a little upside down. I'm not complaining(too hard); I've got a good job where I am allowed to be on the internet for the entire shift(in between customers and stocking). 

I feel like I'm becoming a cyborg. Resistance is futile, and all that. I have bonded more with this computer that I am working on than I have the people I work with. (Although with one of them, it's probably a good thing, or else I would be in another world of hurt)

Technological Revolution...that' s the terminology I was looking for.... I need a new Technological Revolution. One where I bond more with humans than the machines. I don't want ALL of my relationships to have to do with the machines....tv, blogging, music....conversation...For God's sake, when I play The Sims, their lives are just as dull as mine. 

So what the hell am I getting out of it?