Twitter Is My Shrink

I had a new kind of breakdown last night. It was different from the others in that I wasn't sobbing hysterically or angry or hurt or feeling anything other than...well, I'm not really sure what I was feeling. Not jealousy. Maybe envy tinged with regret. But I knew, years ago, that the regret would come. It was one of those, "I'm going to do THIS. I know THIS is going to make me feel like THIS in the future, so don't complain about it when it happens." I'm not exactly complaining. Just trying to write out and understand the feelings. So. I "went off" several times in 140 characters or less. It's nothing explosive, you see. Just stuff that was in my head that needed to get out. It seemed like it should be a blog instead, so here I am. I'm not re-formatting or re-wording anything, as tonight's emotions would color what I wrote last night.


Reading a blog of a person I used to call "friend"--I can't call anyone "Friend" b/c I'm not one anymore. It hurts to see what I've missed..

I have limitations, mostly monetary, some mental, & I HAVE2live w/i my limits. I've always been "Baby in the corner" b/c I put myself there.

It's easier to be away from everyone for me. My head is so full, I can't focus on anything. So i'm trying to focus on ME, as everyone says 2

I've never really been part of a group. I'm the one on the outskirts, watching, feeling, emoting, not feeling cared for. Still there.

So I don't trust easily. And when I do, it usually ends up badly. So. No trusting. No friends. No fun. All raw emotion and nowhere to put it

It makes me wish that I was taught the RIGHT way to be a human, to be a person. I wasn't. No one taught me. They thought I already knew.

But I don't. And that's why I get the looks, or the cold shoulder, from mostly everyone. "Oh, Sam's here. Ok." I'd like to walk into a room

like my little David Mays and get the "Norm" treatment. I don't want to take anything away from my David, b/c I adore him, but I'm jealous

of that little fucker. I won't lie. He's awesome. Even when he's DOWN, he's awesome. And I don't have the tools to be there for him.

I lost my dad before he lost his, so I should have known how to show him how to get through it. But I'm not like everyone else, so I can't.

I have to concentrate all my energies on surviving, not dying, and just staying afloat. Everyone else has great "salaried" careers. I don't.

My only problem w/that is the $$$ I don't have to go places & do things. So I'm at home. I had what I would call a successful theatre career

In my time in the theatre, I worked on or participated in 200 or more shows and did a fairly decent job. THAT was my career. I have retired

from the theatre due2some BULL SHIT that was thrown at me. Now I'm becoming even more hermity as a writer, my FIRST love, & ppl don't get it

And I certainly don't expect them to. I was raised NOT to have friends, but acquaintances. I didn't do sleepovers, phone calls. I did recess

And having acquaintances seems much safer than the alternative.I wasted SEVEN years on some mess. Thankfully I got the gist of that mess on

paper, which is Story #1. Thanks for the life experience, Dbag. (Yes, DBag. The anger comes nearly a decade later.) I was stunted by this

experience, and wasn't able to be open and giving at a time when I needed to be, or needed something from them(something being support)

I'm even more closed off now. I focus my emotions on the stories I'm trying to develop. I want, I need, I would like to have, but why give

voice to those things I won't ever have? I wasn't put on this earth for anything other than to learn and create. I wasn't put here 2 love or

be loved. I'm here to experience all the bad, take it in so that others won't necessarily have to experience it. I'm the empath. I feel what

others feel, but hold no excitement, love, peace, serenity, happiness for myself. It's not to be. I feel as if I was hatched from an egg.

I got the worst version of parents available. Sure, I blame them for a BUNCH of stuff, at the beginning, but then who's at fault later?

Their influence was there, of course, but then I got to be "on my own" ish and went nutbag crazy. And went downhill from there.

The. End.



That's it. It's disjointed. It's imperfect. It's real. It's vulnerable. It's true. There's no "Throw me a pity party" here, not an explanation, but just the way I feel and have felt. I would say I'm more of an observer, but my sightlines have diminished quite a bit since I started throwing people off my island.