Life is what you make of it

Well, guess what? I'm not making lemonade....

When it rains, it pours.

So I'm getting my hours cut at work.

Obviously that means less money.

Less chance of me being able to move out of the ghetto anytime soon.

More chance of me going absolutely nuts. 

I really, really, really hate money. I hate that I have to have it, for every little thing. It DOES make the world go 'round when you have absolutely nothing else to spin your world.

So I am about to be screwed. The new shoes, the new underclothes that I was going to buy b/c I don't have any that aren't falling apart....well, that's out. It's strictly Rent, Electric, Phone, Gas & Food. There are no entertainment options. I barely get by with the gas and food. And I have two loans that I need to be paying off, but am totally unable to do.

I just don't see me getting another job. An additional one. I don't see me getting a "better" job, either. I think the job that I have is just fine. There's talk of promotion, but not until business gets better, or sold.

So there's no way to go up right now. Just in pay, and that's only twice a year. Ha. I say "only," but it took me four years at Panera to get to just over $9. I had to start over at C & B, but I made it to $10 in less than a year. Sure, there's a cap, but damn, just give me some hours and keep me in the double digits!

Yes, when it rains it pours. I'm working on my book. Had to start a complete chapter overhaul last night. I'm supposed to try to be done by September. I really don't think this is going to happen.

Oh, why isn't there someone awesome and cool out there who I can either live with or rent from and still live my life but also have someone to come home to or some cheaper place to come home to? I'm jealous of Haque and Chris Curtis. Hell, I'm jealous of boys. Their lives are so simple. It's easy to make them happy.

Who am I kidding? I couldn't live with anyone. I'm the Worst Roommate Ever. I really am. I hold the title...proudly, I guess. As a result, I won't ever get cheap rent again. I can't live with friends, and I don't have a man to come home to who will treat me right and make me dinner and give me back rubs. It hurts me that I'm totally glad that I don't have a man to come home to. Sure, I get lonely, but I don't have to answer to anyone. I don't have to have dinner ready when he gets home, I can shower whenever I want, I can eat whenever, whatever. 

I have no one to impress. I don't have to work hard for anyone. I don't care anymore about that. I am quite content living the way I do. Clean apartment or no, I don't have anyone to answer to. I don't have any visitors to my apartment besides Rory and Jef, but who cares?

All of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

You told me I didn't need a man to be happy, that I could make myself happy.

Well, thanks. As a result of that, I have become way more selfish and self-involved. I was already that before, but now it's worse. "Spend time on YOU." I HAVE spent time on me. Thirty two years worth of time I have spent on myself. I know myself. I like myself(or I am at least resigned to those things I cannot change--oh, boy, starting to sound like the serenity prayer from AA). I am just fine with myself. It is everyone else that has a problem with me. Guess what? I don't care. I don't have to care about anyone's feelings but my own. People around me don't like that. "What? You mean you aren't going to spare my feelings? You're going to give me the truth?" Bitch, please. I don't have time to tap dance around your life, I have mine to get back to.

I would like to apologize for not seeing or speaking to most people I know. Like Jenny & Bryan & Sawyer...and Cris and Dri....Shannon....they know I love them, even if I don't talk to them on a daily basis, weekly, monthly....even if all I have is Facebook, or Twitter. I can show them that way. Just b/c I don't call, doesn't mean I don't love you or want to be anywhere around you....

It's just easier. I feel like I'm getting in the way, anyway. My path is different.

I probably should have listened when they read that Robert Frost poem at high school graduation. I probably wouldn't be in the fix I'm in today. 

Or maybe I would.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5   Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,         10   And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.         15   I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.